Moving On

I was sitting down quietly today and contemplating about what will happen after I move out from Y's house. I know Y could be an asshole sometimes, but I think I will still miss him no matter what. It's hard to accept the fact that I'm single again...

Single and fabulous...and have to work my ass off!!!

But I have no regrets. I have come this far...and I'm not turning back. I have to move on, with or without Y.

Another few minutes, Scott is picking me up. And it's time to say goodbye.

No More Tears

Y:(in a harsh tone) "Where is it?!"
Me:"Um...I think it's on Sherman Way...and..."
Y:"Call that guy."
(few minutes later...I handed Y the phone cause I was clueless of the direction)
Y:"Hello? Hello?! Are you there?"
(few seconds of silence...)
Y:"Hello!!!"
Me:"Don't touch the top back of the phone..."
Y:"DON'T YELL AT ME."
Me:"I didn't yell at YOU! I was just telling you..."
Y:"And DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO..."
(I kept quiet...holding my tears.)

I knew from that moment on...I don't want to see him for the rest of my life.

The Egoistical Lioness

"My God...you're so BOSSY!"

That's the comment that I used to get from my friend Jee Jee whenever I am being authoritative to somebody. Honestly speaking, I don't feel that as an insult at all. In fact, I felt proud bout it. I love to be in control...of myself and everybody around me. My friend Jee Jee even gave me a nickname as "Bossy Bottom"...so WHAT?!

OK, a little bit history about me...

I was borned on 2nd of August and I am a typical Leo. Incase you don't know what's the behaviour of a typical Leo...just flip your sunday star to the first page of comic strip - Garfield. Yes, that "attitude" problematic cat does have some similarities with me. Lazy - sometimes; Fierce - sometimes; Funny - yeah...sometimes too; Adorable - I am!!! But not all the time; Stubborn - Most of the time; Egoistic??? - No comment.

A little bit more history about me...

I started off as a medical sales rep after I completed my Bachelor's degree. I didn't quite like the company initially but I stuck to it no matter what. I worked my ass off for the first few months and eventually the result showed. And for the first 2 years I've been in the company, I was crowned as the "Top salesman" (or girl) and I totally loved it. All the attention was on me. My CEO always picked me as an example to the rest of the sales team. Even my Manager lost to me.

Before I left that company, I had the privilege to enjoy few months as an Assistant Sales Manager. I had my own room and there was one subordinate directly under me. Everyone called me "ASM" and I felt proud bout it. I was proud because I worked my ass off to obtain that title. Obviously, there's no competition at all among the sales people.

OK...enough bout work...and history.

And then I met Y (OK, bear with me for another while) and we fell madly in love...through the Internet. I quitted my job and flew few thousand miles to see him and decided to move in and live with him. You see, we were passionate on the net, doesn't mean the passion will still be the same in real life. Everything started to change...including me. I started to see his true colours and he started to notice mine too.

The thing is, Y, is as egoistic as me. I like to control, and so does he. He's a Pisces and we are both fire. So fire and fire create bigger flame...eventually that flame burnt us down. It's suicide and someone has to splash water on it!

We both know perfectly well there are issues between us, but neither of us are making the first move to resolve them. We are too "ego" to take the first step. How SAD! Now I understand that the Leo inside me shouldn't be involved in a relationship with another "Leo". It will turn out to be a hideous cat fight!

And if you love someone, shouldn't you sacrifice your "ego" to the ones you love?

So whose move is it now? His or mine?

Sex & the City - Edited Version.

I was watching SATC (Sex and the City) the other day on channel 38, tbs, because I was bored and got nothing better to do. Mind you, I love SATC but I've watched the whole 6 season for at least 2 times! So watching back the same old episode didn't seem to be funny anymore.

To those diehard fans of SATC - you remember there was one time when Miranda thought that her gay neighbour, who lived opposite her block, was cruising her but actually he wasn't (he was targeting the guy living one floor below Miranda). And he got Miranda all excited till she did the unspeakable thing - showing her white boobie.

But wait...where's the boobie? Damn, I was so eager to see her boobie!!! Not that I have any interest in women's breasts, but Miranda's boobies are one of a kind. Throughout the whole 6 seasons, Miranda's breasts transformed from nice and tiny "mango" to fleshy and milky papaya-like breasts (remember when Little Brady was hungry...Oh My GOD!)

Apparently, there's a censorship on American TV and I have never thought that it would happen over here in the US. I thought it's a liberal country...no? But come to think again, there's always censorship in everything in our lives. For example, while you're talking to your mom and your mom asked, "how are you and your bf?"; you wouldn't jumped up in excitement and said, "oh we had hot sex all night long, and we did 69..." like you would to your friends. You always filter the details and make sure that those information that you are going to present to her is what she wants to hear. Like "We are fine. (Period)"

I have to admit I'm the Master of Filteration. I edited most of my life to make it sweet and lovely. I ignored whatever hideous things I had done in the past, and swore never to look back again.

Does that make me an optimistic person, or a person who doesn't like to face the reality?

I sincerely don't know and I don't care...cause I'm too tired to think bout it. I am who I am, and I love and hate the person inside me - unedited.

Bed of Roses

You know, the first time I started writing this blog, I told myself not to write anything personal here. I'm not the type of girl who likes to express my feelings in the public, not because of ego (well, partly), but because I think that letting everyone knows exactly how you feel is not such a good idea. So I was always cautious of what I'm writing.

But I can't help it this time. I'm just going to say whatever I feel like saying, without hurting anyone of course.

Living in LA is a big change in my life - in a good and...a not-so-good way (I gotta be positive!). Nothing comes easy of course. I still remember trying so hard to go for my student visa interivew at the US Embassy. Preparing all the documents and stuff was a nightmare. Trying so hard to figure out what to answer when hit by questions like "Why US?", "Why nursing?" and "Why this and that?". There was a bump unfortunately, and I had to go back again for the 2nd interview. But I got it eventually and I was all set to leave MY for LA.

The last few weeks were the best weeks I had in KL and Penang. I started realising how important my family and my friends are to me. I threw a party for myself with the helps of my friends and it turned out to be quite a blast. Not as fabulous as the parties I attended here in LA, but at least EVERYONE knows me there. I got the chance to meet up with old friends - straights and gays, new friends - hot and not-so-hot. And the best part was, I came out to those who didn't know I was gay (as if...).

To be honest, I couldn't wait to step onto the plane and leave MY for good. I was READY for it. And I told myself there's no turning back and there won't be any regrets.

Gee...I was so naive...cause I was living in a fantasy.

Until I stepped into 19147 Ingomar St., I started to fall back to reality. I was dreaming of long night passionate love makings but they didn't last as long as I wished; I was dreaming of having the house all by ourselves, but that has to wait for another few months (or years?!); I was dreaming of a caring and understanding husband, but no...not up to my standards!

I guess my marriage or life is still a bed of roses...with lots of thorns in it. It's now up to me how to arrange the roses and how to avoid the thorns. It's not fun to get pricked (by thorns I mean!) but everytime when you do get hurt, you learn something.

No...it wasn't as bad as it seems (although I cried more than I cried at the airport) but with the determination I have now to achieve what I want in my life, I am on the right track. Yes, it's gonna be a bumpy ride, but hey, it wouldn't be fun if it's not, right?

I'm OK...and I will always be.

Sigh!

Sigh...I really don't know what to write. I know I should be writing about how excited I am in LA, how happy I am when I meet my husband...but no...nothing seems to come into my mind. Nada.

But one thing is for sure - I miss everyone of YOU.

And I need a few words of comfort :(