Missing You

We had a party last night at Brian's house. It was a party to celebrate Rico's (Brian's friend) birthday, Brian's Fulbright of going to China, and my first semester of finishing nursing school. The food was pretty good (too much sweets though!), the companies were not bad, and the weather wasn't too warm. A lot of laughters and cheers, and basically everyone was having a good time. Everyone, except me.

At one point during the party, I recalled the party I had for my birthday back home before I came to LA. Yes, the party last night was exactly the party I had then - lots of people showed up, meeting old friends and new ones, everyone joked and laughed so loud that they had no idea it was almost midnight. Both parties were pretty similiar...except that this time, the feeling was different...my feeling, at least.

But Brian's friends were embracing me like their old friends. A few of them could be crazy and pretentious, but most of them love me for who I am. In fact, Brian constantly told me that his friends love me to death.

But why wasn't I enjoying myself? It was a mixed feeling last night. I invited quite a lot of friends from school and some friends I knew from my ex. Only one person showed up. Great. Maybe the party wasn't exactly intended for me, maybe 3 times reminders were not sufficient to remind people to RSVP...but isn't it a common courtesy if you're not coming, you should let me know? A phone call or email is not too much to ask, isn't it?

I take friendships seriously, but maybe sometimes I took it too personally? Sometimes I feel like I am the one who's doing all the work of gathering friends together, but nobody seems to appreciate what I've done. I wonder, what's the point of involving those whom you think you're close with in your life, when they don't even give a shit bout it?

But the fact is, I am not really close to any one of them. Maybe I was just jealous that Brian and Rico have so many wonderful close friends they've known all their lives. Maybe I just missed the good ol' times I had, with all my good ol' buddies. Nobody elses could ever replace them. I truly wish that I could just snap my fingers and make them appear in front of me.

Brian is leaving for China in one week, and I will be working almost every day and night this week. Now I feel like I'm gonna lose my closest friend for the next five weeks. It's not easy, but I just have to be strong. But at least I have two warm fuzzy fury friends accompanying me when he's away.