Jingle This, Jingle That

It's been mixed feelings this holiday seasons. A part of me happy because I get to rest for one week before the winter semester starts; another part of me feels lonely because Brian is not here to celebrate the holidays with me. Brian is now in India, walking for peace. I'm really proud of him doing that but...he should be here spending my first X'mas here in LA!!! I miss him terribly that I can cry!

Apart from struggling for finals (which ended today! Praise the Lord!), there were so many exciting news happened lately.

First of all, Choung, my best friend from NC, decided to come to LA to study nursing with me! That really thrills me! It's unbelievable after 15 years of friendships, we finally go back to study at the same college! How amazing friendship is! I can't wait to rent an apartment for ourselves and cook meals together. It'll be so awesome.

Jaime, my college friend, has left for Pasedena college few days ago. Boohoo...all the best Jaime! We'll miss you!

Yesterday, out of nowhere, my ex called me. What an impeccable time! I mean it's holiday seasons and Brian is not around, he somehow got me distracted. We talked, for almost one hour, about everything except Brian. The reason? Because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. I don't think I still have feelings towards him, but I still care for him...as a friend. He hinted me this and that...I'm not sure what exactly he wants, but I have a strong feeling that he wants me back! It's so fucking scary, but I know what I want, and all I want is Brian.

But Brian is not here...

Edwina is going to Palm Spring with Yuddith, leaving me all alone here...lucky bitches! Have fun grrrrrrrrls!

Brian is still not here...

Oh yeah, I just found out that my good exclassmate is a drag...or at least he likes to dress up as a girl. (S)he looks really pretty with her tudung on. Wow! Another exciting news for this X'mas and I'm happy that he's coming out to me! :) Abby! You go grrrrrrrrrrl!

My roommate, Lance, is throwing a party for X'mas this Sunday. All of us have to get a 10 dollars gift to exchange. Where and what the fuck am I gonna get? Thanks for letting me know NOW! The thing is, I don't have a car, and there's no shopping malls around my neighborhood. I don't know, maybe I just give away my worn g-strings.

Still, Brian won't be back till January.

OK, this is the most depressing blog I've ever written. Maybe I am like what Brian said, some Americans get depressed because they are alone during the holiday seasons.

So am I addicted to Brian? Am I addicted to my emotional state where I won't be happy without Brian around me? Is this addiction healthy? Or it is merely a phase that I just have to go through? Besides, we just got to know each other for 2 months.

Maybe what Choung said is correct...maybe I am too demanding of Brian. For fucking sake, he's half way around the globe walking for peace! What else can you demand from him?

Patience...patience is a virtue...that's what they say.

If only he's here...

Bareback Mountain

Haha...that's the joke that we made when we went to see the show.

Brian and I went to see that movie last week once it was released. Brian couldn't resist watching that movie because it was a gay film; and I couldn't resist watching that film because of Heath Ledger!!! He's sooooo cute and sexy, cuter than Jake Gay...whatever.

The film was pretty interesting...at the beginning. It's stimulating to see both men (2 straight actos may I remind you) trying to fuck each other. Well, what else was there to do for two men in the middle of the mountain, hundred miles from destination, with a bunch of sheeps? You either fuck each other or fuck the sheeps, get it?

The kissing part was really beautiful and sexy. They were sort of in love with each other, but had to go seperate ways because it was 1963 in Wyoming. I'm not going to tell you the rest of the story because some of you might curse me to death. But what I'm trying to say is, this so called gay movie, or a movie where 2 cowboys fell in love, is so fucking cliche. It's like 2 straight people falling in love, and have to go seperate ways for some reasons, and ended up in regrets because they couldn't be together. Sounds familiar? Yeah...BORING!

"Are we too gay to enjoy this movie?" Brian asked me.

I totally agreed. The thing is this movie is about 2 gay cowboys, discovered that they were attracted to each other (or men), and had to struggle to keep their relationship alive. That is so yesterday don't you think? We've all been there done that, so move along bitch! Show us something more interesting on gay characters. We are different, so puuuhleasee...give us something new besides RuPaul! Not some boring, ordinary and shitty love story.

The fact is...Hollywood is very much dominated by straight people. The WORLD is still very much dominated by straight people. Most of them don't know much about gay love or relationships. Therefore, this movie acts like an eye opener for them. That could be the reason why Brokeback got nominated the most for the Oscars.

Another sad thing is, did you realize that most of the gay films end in tragedy? A good example is Philadelphia, starring Tom Hanks and Denzel Washington. Why must we see our "society" in a negative way? Why can't we be happy and merry like most "straight" movies? Instead of showing a positive side of gay people, they rather focus more on the darker side of us.

One of the critics wrote:
"This is a noble experiment, but one which has failed." - Eric Lurio, Greenwich Village Gazette.

Brokeback failed to truly express the beauty of gay relationships. It also failed to understand why 2 men (or 2 women) can actually fall in love with one another.

Suddenly, the title "Bareback" Mountain seems to sound more appropriate for this movie.

Say NO to Animal Cruelty!

Nope, I'm not asking you to turn into vegetarians (but if you can, what's the harm?), but merely to share with you on this webpage I found. I was doing my speech on animal cruelty and I came across this cool website that reveals many shocking facts on how animals are being treated by human beings today.

Lives are precious, and so are theirs. Please have some compassions to all animals because they have the rights to live like us too.

So please, spread the words around to your loved ones and fight against animal cruelty today!

Am I Bitter?

Brian and I fought last night and causing so much drama before we went to bed. This was the 4th time we had a major arguement after 2 months knowing each other. I'm not sure whether that is considered healthy, but I'm sure we are so much into each other.

Two days ago I was struggling with my English research paper. I was desperately asking for his help since he's an English teacher (no, I'm not dating him because of that!), but it turned out that the his help wasn't that I expected. But anyway, it's over. I am so glad that I handed in my paper, and that's the last time I have to deal with it. Even I get a stupid B for it, I am not bitter.

So yesterday, Brian asked to stay over since Lance is out of town (yippie!). Of course I agreed without hesistation. Having Brian is the best thing ever happened to me since I came to LA, and having him coming over makes me feel happy like a little boy on his birthday. So I decided, after my horribly boring English class, to shop at one of the Mexican supermarkets and cook us dinner. A romantic dinner.

I'm not a good cook, sorry to say that, but cooking for Brian made me all excited. I wanted to please him so much, and by cooking, it's a way for me to say I care for him. The only recipe I mastered since I'm here is noodle with soup. Thanks to Martin for his delicious recipe. I have no problem cooking that dish anytime.

So I rushed home, and hoping that I had enough time to cook the meals in time before he arrived. Within one and a half hour, I finally finished cooking the soup and noodle. I have to say I was proud of myself. Not because of the food, but because I had made an effort to make our relationship grows.

I made each of us lemonade (I know, we are both still kids), and lit 2 candles to put on the table.

Brian arrived few minutes later, and as usual, he started complaining how terrible his day was. I don't mind hearing all those, because sometimes I do complain like an old granny. He was kinda surprised when he saw me cooking dinner for him. So, we had a great time at dinner.

After finishing dinner, Brian asked if he could watch Apprentice on tv. What the fuck is Apprentice? Watching tv? I thought you're tired?

First of all, I can't understand why people, especially Americans, can't live without tv. Secondly, Brian complained he was tired and exhausted, but why must he watch tv instead of cuddling with me?

I wasn't exactly pissed, but I was disappointed.

The worst thing is, I started to go into my so-called "passive aggressive" mode. Brian once told me, when we had our last fight, that I have this kinda behavior. Passive what? Am I even close to being aggressive? Whatever the fuck is, it means you keep all your disappointments and regrets to yourself, and you sulk like nobody's business. And you wait for the best time to explode, such as before bedtime. *grins*

It wasn't a beautiful fight last night...it was totally ugly and unhealthy. He started complaining how much he's giving in this relationship, and his statements made me feel like I'm not doing anything at all. It's like you're cripple and he has to push the fucking wheelchair feeling. Get it? So taking the trouble to cook for you is not giving enough? I didn't say that out though, so I just shut the fuck up.

Brian could be so direct sometimes it scares me. I guess it's a cultural thingy, but c'mon, you're with an Asian partner, you gotta be more sensitive sometimes! I have stopped pointing at your Jewish people, haven't I?

Whatever it is, I still can't get over with last night's fight. I just don't understand why can't I say exactly what I wanted to say when I am not satisifed with him? Is it because of fear? Or because of ego? And I can't understand why can't he sense how I feel when I'm not satisfied? Is it so hard to do that? Am I not transparent enough?! Should I just shout on top of my lungs for the sake of him knowing?

This time it really hit me hard. I wanted to know if I'm the culprit. I wanted to know is it because of my behavior that all my past relationships failed? How much should I give in order to make this relationship works?