Am I Bitter?

Brian and I fought last night and causing so much drama before we went to bed. This was the 4th time we had a major arguement after 2 months knowing each other. I'm not sure whether that is considered healthy, but I'm sure we are so much into each other.

Two days ago I was struggling with my English research paper. I was desperately asking for his help since he's an English teacher (no, I'm not dating him because of that!), but it turned out that the his help wasn't that I expected. But anyway, it's over. I am so glad that I handed in my paper, and that's the last time I have to deal with it. Even I get a stupid B for it, I am not bitter.

So yesterday, Brian asked to stay over since Lance is out of town (yippie!). Of course I agreed without hesistation. Having Brian is the best thing ever happened to me since I came to LA, and having him coming over makes me feel happy like a little boy on his birthday. So I decided, after my horribly boring English class, to shop at one of the Mexican supermarkets and cook us dinner. A romantic dinner.

I'm not a good cook, sorry to say that, but cooking for Brian made me all excited. I wanted to please him so much, and by cooking, it's a way for me to say I care for him. The only recipe I mastered since I'm here is noodle with soup. Thanks to Martin for his delicious recipe. I have no problem cooking that dish anytime.

So I rushed home, and hoping that I had enough time to cook the meals in time before he arrived. Within one and a half hour, I finally finished cooking the soup and noodle. I have to say I was proud of myself. Not because of the food, but because I had made an effort to make our relationship grows.

I made each of us lemonade (I know, we are both still kids), and lit 2 candles to put on the table.

Brian arrived few minutes later, and as usual, he started complaining how terrible his day was. I don't mind hearing all those, because sometimes I do complain like an old granny. He was kinda surprised when he saw me cooking dinner for him. So, we had a great time at dinner.

After finishing dinner, Brian asked if he could watch Apprentice on tv. What the fuck is Apprentice? Watching tv? I thought you're tired?

First of all, I can't understand why people, especially Americans, can't live without tv. Secondly, Brian complained he was tired and exhausted, but why must he watch tv instead of cuddling with me?

I wasn't exactly pissed, but I was disappointed.

The worst thing is, I started to go into my so-called "passive aggressive" mode. Brian once told me, when we had our last fight, that I have this kinda behavior. Passive what? Am I even close to being aggressive? Whatever the fuck is, it means you keep all your disappointments and regrets to yourself, and you sulk like nobody's business. And you wait for the best time to explode, such as before bedtime. *grins*

It wasn't a beautiful fight last night...it was totally ugly and unhealthy. He started complaining how much he's giving in this relationship, and his statements made me feel like I'm not doing anything at all. It's like you're cripple and he has to push the fucking wheelchair feeling. Get it? So taking the trouble to cook for you is not giving enough? I didn't say that out though, so I just shut the fuck up.

Brian could be so direct sometimes it scares me. I guess it's a cultural thingy, but c'mon, you're with an Asian partner, you gotta be more sensitive sometimes! I have stopped pointing at your Jewish people, haven't I?

Whatever it is, I still can't get over with last night's fight. I just don't understand why can't I say exactly what I wanted to say when I am not satisifed with him? Is it because of fear? Or because of ego? And I can't understand why can't he sense how I feel when I'm not satisfied? Is it so hard to do that? Am I not transparent enough?! Should I just shout on top of my lungs for the sake of him knowing?

This time it really hit me hard. I wanted to know if I'm the culprit. I wanted to know is it because of my behavior that all my past relationships failed? How much should I give in order to make this relationship works?