One Year Ago...

The year 2007 is almost over. Funny I don't make up crazy resolutions that I used to do. Maybe it's because I will be so busy once school starts again in January, and my only resolution is to pass nursing school. Time flies really. One year from now I'll be done with nursing school. Maybe another one or two months or so, I'll be taking my board to qualify as an RN. Sounds like a good plan to me. After all, this is what I'm here for.

Looking back all these years, I hardly regret anything that I have done. Though there were moments I wish I could turn back the clock, and there were times I wish I could have done better in certain aspects of my life, still I felt contented with what I have right now.

I'd like to see my life as small fragments of events.

One year ago, Choung and I got accepted to nursing school. We were so happy that we thought "this is it! No more worries for the next two years since we got into the nursing program!" Little did we know that waiting to get into nursing school is as hard as getting into nursing school.

Ten months ago, I was given a nickname as "Thai Noodle" by my professor because I'm Asian and my first name happens to sound exactly like the word "Thai." How fucked-up racist could that be? Later, after several name callings, I finally gathered the gut to approach her. She gave an excuse saying "it's only for the sake of recalling."

Nine months ago, we were struggling to get through nursing school. Too much information and yet too little time. We were bombarded with medical terminology, pathophysiology, pharmacology...At one point, I thought they are trying to make us doctors instead of nurses.

Eight months ago, I was shamed in front of my classmates and every person in the hospital lobby because I didn't say "thank you" to the nursing assistant. Later I got a probation because I tried to open my mouth to reason what had happened. And in this nursing school, particularly this professor, you don't have the final say.

Seven months ago, most of us passed the first semester, and we were all relieved...or so we thought.

Five months ago, the nightmare came back. More books to read, and more crazy professors to face. Speaking of crazy, we started our psych clinical rotation for the second semester. Interestingly, I met lots of interesting patients. One of them, whom I will never forget, was a 45 year-old Schizophrenic patient in the critical care unit. He would stand at the corner, looking up the ceiling, and shouting on top of his lungs in Farsi. Later, he told me that the "voice" was telling him to kill his sister and niece. He would scribble words in Farsi in a piece of paper, and told me that the voice wanted him to write down the "tasks" so that he would not forget. On occassions, he would strip down his pants and later explained that the "voice" was commanding him to do so.

Three months ago, no matter how busy my school could be, Brian and I celebrated our two years together.

Two months ago, I fell sick without any signs of warning of its coming. Coincidentally, Brian left town for few days when I got sick. I was terribly ill, and when I got up one night for a sip of water in the kitchen, I got dizzy and blacked out for a split second. The next thing I remembered I was on the floor, breathing and sweating heavily. I had to crawl back to the bed from the kitchen by myself. When Brian came back, he wanted me to see the doctor. But later when we found out that it would cost me two grand, just to walk into an ER, I decided to pop more OTC drugs and "wait and see." With no insurance in this country, and with the virus in me, I thought I was dying, and I totally felt like I was in Michael Moore's Sicko.

One month ago, Brian and I finally registered for domestic partnership. I guess I am stuck with him for the rest of my life *grin*

Three weeks ago, I had to study for my finals. Half of the class was failing. The only thing I wanted was not A's or B's, but to pass the class. At one point, Choung almost gave up. We studied way much than we did in our undergrad studies.

Two weeks ago, we were finally done with our finals! Most of us passed, but there were some who didn't make it.

One week ago, we saw the shrink again. It was our second time visiting. We got nothing much to say except Italy! The only advice he gave was to be as transparent as possible, which I find it hard sometimes. Saying the exact thoughts that I want to say without hurting my significant other is something that I am trying to improve.

Three days ago, we fought again after months of our last fight. We ended up crying in bed, hugging and comforting each other.

Three hours ago, I gave Brian a morning kiss before getting out of bed, and played The Cure's Lovesong repeatedly since then.

Whenever I'm alone with you

You make me feel like I am home again

Whenever I'm alone with you

You make me feel like I am whole again

Whenever I'm alone with you

You make me feel like I am young again

Whenever I'm alone with you

You make me feel like I am fun again

However far away

I will always love you

However long I stay

I will always love you

Whatever words I say

I will always love you

I will always love you

I Still Believe in Tori Amos

Last night we were at the Nokia Theatre for Tori Amos' concert. I've been a huge fan of Tori since I was in my uni years. I still remember her Choirgirl album that caught my attention, that led to the obsession, which I could proudly call myself a Toriphile. Well almost. I wasn't particularly crazy about her two previous albums (Scarlet Walk & Beekeeper), and for a personal reason, I stopped listening to Tori since my break up with my ex, who also happens to love Tori.

Talking about that ex, he's visiting next year and staying with us for a few days. It should be interesting to see him again after (silent) all these years.

Tori's concert was good, but for some reasons, I wasn't totally blown away. I love Tori's new album concept of having several characters that portray different type of women. With that saying, Tori took the trouble to change her outfits and wigs several times during the concert. She looked amazing with all the glamarous costumes, and her dramatic theatrical presentation put Cher to shame. But hang on...where's the raw and raunchy Tori that I used to love? Where's the crazy and let-all-the-hair-down Tori that I always felt connected to?

The only song that really reminded me of old Tori was "The Waitress"...which I told myself I had to get her cheap, see-through yet overpriced jersey top that says "I Believe in Peace, Bitch!" Oh well, I still love you Tori Amos.

I love Pussy!

Aren't they the cutest things in the world?

Got Lady Luck?

Last night, two classmates of mine, whom I'm quite close with, called me and told me that they failed the finals. That means they won't be able to advance to the next level, but to repeat those classes. Gosh, it must be so hard, cause not only you waste time and money, but to repeat the same boring crazy Psych lecture again?!

One of them moved from SF to LA just for nursing school. Furthermore, she had trouble with her long time girlfriend, and they had to call it a quit eventually. Not fun at all.

I wonder, sometimes, whether our fate depends on our luck or our faith? I've seen single mothers with three kids survive in nursing school, but why not the rest of us? I told Brian that at this point of my life, my number one priority is school. Not Brian, not my family, not my friends. Maybe I'm too selfish. Maybe I'm too narcissistic? But my philosophy is if I don't take care of myself, how can I take care of my loved ones? Oh well, I don't know what I'm babbling about.

Good luck to all those who have made it, or haven't made it.

'Tis The Season To Be Jolly

Woohoo!!! Finals are finally over! I'm just gonna chill, rest and relax for the next three weeks before the gruelsome nursing school starts. I can't believe I finish first year of nursing school...it's gonna be one more year before I take my board exam to become a certified RN!

So many events are coming up for this holiday and next year.

We saw Bjork last night, and again, she fucking blew me away with her two hours non stop screaming and rocking on the stage. We were dancing throughout the whole concert.

We're seeing Tori this Sunday!!! I'm SO looking forward for that! We're also holding another party before leaving for my trip. And we're seeing Dali next week :)

We have to see the shrink again for marriage counselling. There's nothing really wrong with our relationship but Brian suggests that we should work on our occassional "clashes" that we had. I think he couldn't stand my diva-tantrum-throwing attitude sometimes *grin*. But we are officially married (we signed the domestic partnership recently), without the official ceremony. That has to wait till I'm done with school. No plan yet to move in with him, unless I simply have to. We'll see.

Italy is just less than two weeks to go! Rome, Florence and Venice! I can't wait to see Micaelangelo's David's penis! After coming back from Italy, it's time to plan the trip back home!

Everything seems to flow really well this year. Although school is hectic (and pathetic sometimes), I was able to manage to juggle between school, work and Brian. I guess life goes on, no matter what.

Missing You

We had a party last night at Brian's house. It was a party to celebrate Rico's (Brian's friend) birthday, Brian's Fulbright of going to China, and my first semester of finishing nursing school. The food was pretty good (too much sweets though!), the companies were not bad, and the weather wasn't too warm. A lot of laughters and cheers, and basically everyone was having a good time. Everyone, except me.

At one point during the party, I recalled the party I had for my birthday back home before I came to LA. Yes, the party last night was exactly the party I had then - lots of people showed up, meeting old friends and new ones, everyone joked and laughed so loud that they had no idea it was almost midnight. Both parties were pretty similiar...except that this time, the feeling was different...my feeling, at least.

But Brian's friends were embracing me like their old friends. A few of them could be crazy and pretentious, but most of them love me for who I am. In fact, Brian constantly told me that his friends love me to death.

But why wasn't I enjoying myself? It was a mixed feeling last night. I invited quite a lot of friends from school and some friends I knew from my ex. Only one person showed up. Great. Maybe the party wasn't exactly intended for me, maybe 3 times reminders were not sufficient to remind people to RSVP...but isn't it a common courtesy if you're not coming, you should let me know? A phone call or email is not too much to ask, isn't it?

I take friendships seriously, but maybe sometimes I took it too personally? Sometimes I feel like I am the one who's doing all the work of gathering friends together, but nobody seems to appreciate what I've done. I wonder, what's the point of involving those whom you think you're close with in your life, when they don't even give a shit bout it?

But the fact is, I am not really close to any one of them. Maybe I was just jealous that Brian and Rico have so many wonderful close friends they've known all their lives. Maybe I just missed the good ol' times I had, with all my good ol' buddies. Nobody elses could ever replace them. I truly wish that I could just snap my fingers and make them appear in front of me.

Brian is leaving for China in one week, and I will be working almost every day and night this week. Now I feel like I'm gonna lose my closest friend for the next five weeks. It's not easy, but I just have to be strong. But at least I have two warm fuzzy fury friends accompanying me when he's away.

Hey YOU, Maddy!

"Hey you...let's love the earth with my song!"

OMFG! Period. After listening to her latest single "Hey You", I almost puked. It was like listening to Bjork singing "We Are The World". The song is not only way too decent for her, but it's way too cliche for this material girl. C'mon, why is she trying to be a sell out when her last album Confession on a Dancefloor sold more than ten million copies worldwide? Yes, maybe it's for charity, but writing a sing-along-song that is genuinely awful and pointless isn't gonna make any charity to the ears of her fans.

Yes Madonna, we are very aware that our Mother earth is coming to an end, but it's best to leave this matter to Al Gore.

Springtime of the Voodoo Cleaning

I'm not a big fan of reality tv show, but after watching BBC's How Clean is Your House?, I suddenly became an anal-retentative clean freak! I know, I know...some of you might say I'm way too lazy to be a clean freak, and I'm way too messy to be a neat freak, but that hilarious tv show about ways to clean your house turned me into one of them!

Yesterday, I suggested to Brian that we should do some spring cleanings, since now it's spring time, and it's a three days weekend of Memorial Day. Besides, both of us got nothing exciting to do. We are too domesticated lately to go party or clubbing. And if we're gonna stay at home nesting, we might as well do something nice bout it. Brian, being a typical gay man, isn't all excited bout that idea. But with my charm and persuasian, I was able to drag him to Home Depot to get some cleaning tools.

Once we were in Home Depot, we were totally lost (you know, it's like asking a straight man to shop at Target)! We could not believe how huge the store was, with thousands of brand names just for a cleaning detergent! All of a sudden, the idea of cleaning the house didn't seem to be exciting anymore. But I told myself that we shouldn't give up. I didn't want to end up spending the weekends, being a couch potato and watching Dr. Phil! So eventually we grabbed a mop, a biodegradable toxic-free detergent and two pairs of latex gloves.

Today, after lunch, we planned on cleaning Brian's second room. That's our goal of the day - nothing more, nothing less. The second room is like a changing room, a storage room, a mini library and a cats sanctuary all mixed together. Yes, pretty messy I would say. Interestingly, this room is also used for guests who happen to visit us one day. Sooner or later, we have to clean it up for our guests, so why not now?

First thing first, Brian had to decide what to chuck and what not to chuck away. Then, we decided which part of the room had to be cleaned first. Dust and cat hairs, that have been collected all these whiles, have to be thoroughly brushed and vacuumed. Oh dear, my poor sensitive nose! Next, we had to shift the furnitures around to make the room more spacious. All his books had been rearranged to make sure they were properly grouped by subjects. It ain't an easy task, but we finally got the room all well cleaned and nicely groomed.

The best thing of all, after spending hours cleaning the room, it's the satisfaction you get by just admiring the work you'd done. Of course, Brian wasn't sure if he would do that again, but it's a task that keep us bonded and appreciate each other. Oh, what else can a husband ask for...besides holidays in Europe and endless nights of sex. It's a perfect workout, and time to spend with each other, if only both of us didn't end up arguing which Boy George's poster that had to be thrown away.

Miss Independence vs Miss MILF

Woohoo! Summer is here and school is finally over! OK, I have had ENOUGH of books for this semester, but I don't mind doing extra patient cares if I have the chance.

Summer is the celebration of love, peace and harmony! Celebration of Choung's birthday (May 23rd), and also my struggle through the first semester of nursing school. Most of all, summer is all about MUSIC! We're going to see Cindy Lauper and Erasure for True Colors Tour in Vegas next week. Then, we'll be seeing the Police before Brian leaves for China. More amazingly, two of my all time favorite artists, Bjork and Tori Amos, just came out with two awesome albums.

Bjork totally blew me away in her last concert in Coachealla. She came out with this amazing colorful costume and cute hat, singing Earth Intruders (1st single in Volta) for her first song. Then, when she did Hunter, I almost died. A lot of the songs she did are mostly from Homogenic album, including Pluto! She also sang Pagan Poetry, which was fantastic. Her encore was Declare Independence, and if you haven't heard of that one yet, you gotta listen to it. It's fucking amazing.

American Doll Posse is Tori's 6th albums, which I personally think she could've done better. But I'm not complaining since I didn't fancy her last album, the Beekeeper. A lot of interesting political views in this album, including the first track Yo George. That song is about how George Bush fucked up America. I didn't really find any mind blowing songs that she used to make, but I personally like Father's Son, Teenage Hustling and Velvet Revolution. I love the cover of the album, which is very similiar to Strange Little Girls, with darker side of it. The "posse" consists of Amos in a number of guises - Santa, Clyde, Isabel, Tori, and Pip.

Now What?

Finally...after almost 3 months of struggling in nursing school, I get a one week break for Spring. School was overwhelming, but after weeks of trying to figure out the best way to prepare for exams and clinicals, I am really proud of what I've done. Although I'm not scoring A's, but I am happy to learn so many skills and techniques in such a short period of time. Yes, it was a pain in the ass of having to wake up at 4:00 am every Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday (sometimes even earlier!), and yes my professor is a Nazi bitch, but the results and accomplishments that I achieve so far, and also the valuable knowledge that I gain, give me a sense of satisfaction about this nursing school.

So far, we did:

• Trach care
• NG tube
• Insulin injections
• SQ injections
• IM injections
• and most important of all, patient cares!

So, what's next?

I can do it...I just gotta remember my ABC (Airway, Breathing, Circulation)!